The Girl Effect

Every day I ask myself - what can I do to help change the atrocities in the world? Can one person really make a difference? The immediate solution for me is to use my network to create awareness (which I try to work on a little every day). One of the solutions I strongly believe in is microcredit, which led me to this awesome video!



As the Interface Foundation looks to help high impact foundations eliminate gender disparity in primary and secondary education by 2009 and in all levels of education no later than 2015 this video shows the powerful social and economic change brought about when girls have the opportunity to participate in their society.

93% of Divorced Couples Cite Financial Issues as the Primary Catalyst

We all know that marital fights often revolve around money and kids, but I didn't realize how much of an issue this was until my friend, Jackie Weitzberg of Guide My Finances, quoted the stats.

So I invited Jackie to guest blog on this topic. Below is her advice on waiting to wed, as it relates to financial planning. Learn more about her at http://www.guidemyfinances.com/.

"When the topic of marriage and finance comes up, we are often told that problems relating to finance are the leading cause of divorce. In a study conducted in 2003 by the US census bureau, 93% of recently divorced couples sited finances were the primary or secondary reason for conflict in their marriage. With the recent decline in the stock market, and financial troubles on the rise, this is becoming even more of an issue for couples of all ages.

Now aware of these statistics, what can we do to prevent ourselves from becoming one of these casualties? The answer: You have to build a strong financial foundation before jumping into marriage. One of the keys to success: Wait until your late 20s or early 30s to take the plunge!

In order to get your finances in order, I recommend following a few simple steps.

1.) Build Up An Emergency Savings Account – In past years, you may have heard that you should have about three to six months fixed expenses in your savings account. The need for this account has grown significantly over the last year. Moving forward, I recommend having six to nine months worth of fixed expenses in a money market, savings, or liquid account. A great place to set this account up is www.orangeaccount.com

2.) Get Rid of Your Credit Card Debt – When you get married, your spouse could be ultimately responsible for your credit card debt. This can put quite a bit of stress on your marriage. In order to avoid this, make a point to pay off your credit card debt prior to the big day. If you cannot afford to pay down your debt, you also cannot afford a wedding, mortgage or babies.

3.) Develop a list of Financial Goals- While most couples don’t think about it, it is very important to sit down with a significant other to determine what your joint as well as individual goals are. You may find that you have the same goals, or that you are heading in two completely different financial directions. Which ever category you fit into, understanding each other’s priorities prior to marriage will help you avoid later confrontation.

4.) Ask Questions – How much can your significant other contribute on a monthly basis to bills? Are you going to keep savings and investments separate, or merge them? How much debt/savings do they have? If this seems like an uncomfortable conversation, wait until you are comfortable talking about it before getting married. Without resolving simple questions like these, a far more uncomfortable conversation will likely arise in the future!

Discussing your finances with your partner is one of the single most important steps you should take before marriage. In addition, you should be aware that your finances can change in an instant, especially without proper planning. Simple steps like these can give you the assurance that you are not only emotionally ready for marriage, but you are financially ready too."

For more financial tips like these, visit www.guidemyfinances.com/blog.

More Evangelicals Promoting Young Marriage

Christianity Today ran a cover story this month titled “The Case for Early Marriage". Sociologist Mark Regnerus argues that while abstinence is the only acceptable option for young people, it is creating a dilemma when coupled with the fact that people are waiting longer to get married. The article's solution... young people should just get married at an earlier age. BRILLIANT!

Glamor Magazine also recently posted a blog on this topic - At What Age Do You Want to Get Married? This topic is central to the pressure that women feel as they approach and turn 3o. Marriage age is this magical number that we carried around in our mind as children... The author notes, "When I was younger, I always assumed I'd get hitched at 29. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it's because that's how old my mom was when she married my dad. (He, by the way, was 27). In my young adult brain, 29 just seemed to be that age when you were supposed to have your sh*t together. Of course, in the past few years, I've had friends tie the knot at 22 and others wait until they were in their 30s. Most of my friends in the Midwest (where I'm from), it seems tend to walk down the aisle on the early side, while many of my NYC friends are happily approaching my magic marriage age 100-percent single."

My experience has been that even women in Southern California feel this pressure when they hit the three decade mark. I can't imagine what it's like in a small town in Nebraska!

One readers comment...
"I live in the south, and needless to say, at 22, all of my friends are married/engaged. I'm starting to feel the pressure, and my love life is non-existent! I want more than anything to be married, and I'm so scared that its never going to happen. All of my (married) friends are like, "Oh, don't worry, of course it will!" But they have no idea what its like. Jokingly, Ive always said if I'm not married in 10-15 years, (LOL) I am taking my father (who is a priest) and my Best Friend, finding a wedding dress and a bridesmaids dress for her, and going to New York to find me a husband! I can imagine us going down the streets, my dad with his bible and rings in hand, and my friend and I pleading with random strangers. LOL"

Well, that's one solution!

MTV's Engaged & Underage

As my friends know, I don't watch TV. There are many reasons for this, one of which is the fact that 99% of it crap.
Case in point... MTV's show, Engaged and Underage. Why are we enamored with the drama of others? This is a sad state of affairs...

Need I say more?

Ready for more misery? MTV lets you watch full episodes at
http://www.mtv.com/shows/engaged_and_underage/video.jhtml?filter=fulleps

Keys to a Successful Marriage?

We've received over 350 responses from our survey participants on the "Keys to a Successful Marriage". The number one comment was, of course, communication, followed closely by love, trust, respect, loyalty, self-worth, respect, flexibility, common goals, appreciation, patience, humor, forgiveness, friendship, honesty, understanding, and... sex. Below are a few perspectives from our readers, followed by a recent Australian Study on the topic...

Female, 36, New York, Relationship

1. Continuing to take responsibility for my own personal happiness. My problems are my own to confront and resolve. I believe my husband will be there to support and encourage me, but ultimately the choices I make and the attitude I choose come from within.
2. Learning how to communicate and problem solve together. Relationships are the means by which personal issues present themselves. In a successful marriage, couples are wiling to bring up and talk about issues and problems, and put their heads together to work out a solution. The skill of learning how to talk about problems in a way that is constructive is a huge asset.
3. Being an excellent team-mate, especially when the going gets tough. In a successful marriages, spouses are each other's best cheerleader, coach, mentor, protégé, friend, partner no matter what and they take turns playing these roles.

Female, 33, Michigan, Married

1. Communication - in a way that your partner will understand. Men and women talk differently, and if I woman wants her husband to understand her needs then she needs to present them in a way that he's going to be able to grasp.
2. Giving to your partner even when you don't want to. Betterment of the relationship should be the goal.
3. Understanding that both people show their love in different ways, and finding a comprimise that will ensure both partners are happy with it.

Female, 45, San Diego, Married

1. Never keep secerts from each other.
2. Whatever happens in your bedroom is no one elses busniess but yours. That means best friends also.
3. When ever you have a disagreement with your spouse, that is between you both. When you are ready to forgeive often times your friends and family are not. Or may never forgive.

Statistics from Other Recent Research
A recent study from Australian National University, entitled "What's Love Got to Do With It," tracked nearly 2,500 couples -- married or living together -- from 2001 to 2007 to identify factors associated with those who remained together compared with those who divorced or separated.

• It found that a husband who is nine or more years older than his wife is twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turn 25.


• Children also influence the longevity of a marriage or relationship, with one-fifth of couples who have kids before marriage -- either from a previous relationship or in the same relationship -- having separated compared to just nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.


• Women who want children much more than their partners are also more likely to get a divorce.


• A couple's parents also have a role to play in their own relationship, with the study showing some 16 percent of men and women whose parents ever separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to 10 percent for those whose parents did not separate.


• Also, partners who are on their second or third marriage are 90 percent more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage. ALL THE MORE REASON TO WAIT AND GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!!!!

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090714/lf_nm_life/us_couples

International Perspective: Can Entertainment Control Population Growth in India?

Health Minister of India Encourages Delayed Marriage to Control Population
I was shocked to run across this recent news post from India. This is a huge step forward for the government to encourage delayed marriage... unfortunately it's not for the right reasons...

Does the Mass Media Portray Thirty-Something Men & Women Differently?

We've received over 350 in-depth stories from men and women on the topic of marriage. One question that has seemed to draw unanimous response is: "Do you feel the mass media portrays the 30 something male differently than the 30 something female?” I felt this woman's response was particularly insightful…

Female, 34, New York City
"Absolutely. The media portrays 30 something (single) females in a negative light. If a 30 something single woman expresses a desire to be married and have children, she is labeled as "desperate" and as though there is something wrong with expressing this desire. On the other hand if the same woman expresses contentment with remaining unmarried and without children, she is viewed as cold, picky, unfeminine, self centered, wanting to put her career ahead of family, selfish, etc. The media portrays 30 something single women as being unattractive and undesired by men of a similar age - and there are many articles that portray the so-called "man drought", which, I believe, attempt to create fear in such women. There is definitely a message out there that, as a woman ages, her value as a person and her "lovability" diminishes as her youth fades. There really isn't a lot of recognition that as a woman gets older, her strengths and attributes are enhanced as a result of life experience. The underlying message is that if a 30 something woman is single, she somehow needs to be punished or deserving of a life void of relationships. For 30 something men there is definitely a different message portrayed by the media. The media shows that men of this age group are at their peak desirability and attractiveness. Their personal and career achievements are celebrated and recognized. Movies and tv will frequently portray the older, experienced male with the young and naive female. Also, if a 30 something male expresses a desire to get married and have a family, the media positively reinforces his desire to "settle down". If a 30 something male suggests he is averse to marriage and kids, the message is inevitably that his decision has been influenced from meeting women who have unrealistically high standards of men. When I approached my 30s, I found myself thinking more about being married and having a family, and the desire for my life to be more than just about me. Women are careers and nurturers by design, and I think this is a common stage of thinking for women to go through, particularly those who are single as they approach their 30s. The fact that the media tends to poo-poo this desire, is very saddening - women are being actively discouraged by the media from expressing their innate desires."

How Far We've Come... 1950's Movie: Are You Ready for Marriage?

I started searching for articles and tests that discuss one's readiness for marriage and ran across this movie from 1950. Love the the Cupid Checklist... oh, when life was so simple. ;-)



Part one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkLBhNblBas
Part two - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fy098SgEKpQ

Intention, Regret & Worry

I was sitting with two of my best girlfriends the other day, listening to their relationship perils, when one girlfriend said, “I think my problem is I don’t know what I want.” I immediately jumped in with my new age INTENTION speech, “Well you’ll never manifest what you want if you don’t have intention.” And again she repeated, “But I don’t know what kind of guy I’m looking for. I’m all over the map.” She proceeded, “Maybe I just need to date a ton of guys and figure it out”. I retorted, “Perhaps a better idea is to figure out who YOU REALLY ARE before approaching any more relationships”.

And then I thought about myself… I’m so great at dishing good advice but am challenged to heed it. I THINK I know who I am and what I want, to the point that I have my 1, 5, and 20 year goals, along with my Mr. Right list, but do I really? I went from a 10 year relationship to another long-term relationship with 4 whole weeks between!

In my defense I do believe I’ve finally grown into the person I’ve aspired to be and am secure in who I am and what I want. Thus I’m justified, right?

But aren’t we constantly changing? Well yes and no. Of course we evolve into, hopefully, more enlightened beings as we age, but does this change the fundamentals of what we’re looking for? Again, yes and no. I think it’s only now that I have a much better glimpse of what I really want out of a relationship, mate, and eventually (hopefully) a life partner. And it was only into my early 30’s that I really began to figure this out. Is this due to my age or the fact that I’ve had the luxury of marriage and divorce?

I call it a luxury because I got away relatively unscathed. And in the end, in hindsight, it was an incredible learning experience. I wouldn’t change it for the world, which is fortunate because even if I wanted to I can’t!

That’s the funny thing about life... we are constantly trying to control things WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER!

First off... you have REGRET --- I too fall prey to this ridiculous concept much more than I would like to admit. What is the point of regret? You can’t change what’s done. So why dwell on it? Why live in the past? The point is to learn and move on from the mistakes we made, right?
But let me take it one step further. We are the ones, perhaps based on societal standards, that LABEL things a MISTAKE.

What if there were no mistakes? What if there only actions. What if we followed the wisdom of Chopra and so many others and took a PAUSE between ACTION and REACTION. What if we didn’t pull our reaction from our behavioral paradigm? What if we didn’t label things as good and bad? What if we just watched or observed and let things pass without judgment? Seems almost impossible, but there has got to be a way!

Another amusing one is WORRY or STRESS. One of my favorite age old adages is, “Don’t worry about the things you DON’T control… because you don’t control them. And don’t worry about the things you DO control… because you control them.” Again, I recognize that a little stress moves us to action when in a situation of danger, but 99.9% of the stress or worry the average person feels on a daily basis is totally UNNESSARY!

Thoughtful Conclusions About Commitment - From Daily Om

Daily Om is one of favorite publications - their thoughtful wisdom gives me perspective on 'everyday' life. My good friend Vanessa sent this to me the other day and thought it would be perfect to share with others...

Thoughtful Conclusions About Commitment: Deciding Whether To Marry

Though we may make many commitments throughout our time on earth, few have a lifelong impact on the path our lives will take. The decision to marry someone you love—to bond yourself to them completely—is unlike any other and can reshape your existence. When two people have similar goals, values, and needs, marriage can result in a lifetime partnership of love and respect, shared laughter and tears, friendship, and intimacy that is ultimately fulfilling. Love is often cited as the sole prerequisite of a strong and stable married life. However, the decision to get married should be made with the mind and the soul as well as with the heart. Carefully considering whether you truly want to get married, both individually and as a couple, can ensure that if you do choose to marry, your relationship can grow to unimaginable depths.

The decision-making process you employ to determine whether you should marry should be a thoughtful and honest one in which you appraise not only your partner but also yourself. Consider that love and attraction do not guarantee long-term compatibility. If your relationship is not secure, marriage will not make it so. Likewise, if your partner is not as attentive, loving, or kind as you would like, your becoming spouses will not change that. Marriage has no power to permanently fill any emotional or spiritual gaps in your life. Before you choose to marry, ask yourself whether you and your partner are adept at resolving conflict, can speak openly to one another, and fully respect one another. Your attitudes regarding the nature of marital commitment, children and child rearing, and marital roles may be the same or they may differ. It is your shared responsibility to discuss your similarities and come to agreements regarding your differences that will predict how successful yo!
ur future marriage will be. Often times, younger couples rush into marriage just for the wedding dress, the ring, the party, and honeymoon. Would you still be willing to be married if you couldn’t have these things?

Remember that planning a wedding is simple when compared to the intricacies of nurturing a marriage. The honeymoon and nesting period will eventually wear off, and what you are left with is a partner for life. When you work together with your partner, reassure and support one another, and are honest about your feelings regarding marriage, you’ll come to the right decision.

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2009/18644.html

Recent NBC Interview on Book Concept

Top 10 Reasons NOT to Marry Before 30

When Will Women Truly Be Equal? By Chris Williams

It seems strange that the biblical story of Adam and Eve blames Eve for Adam’s fall from grace. I say that because, if I were God, I’d get rid of Adam and keep Eve. She had the courage, foresight, wisdom, and tenacity to pursue what most societies encourage all of their constituents to pursue: knowledge. Adam was just too stupid to question God’s commandment, which would relegate him to little more than a species above non-thinking animals; one with little to no knowledge, and the lack of a will to even gain knowledge. It’s this ridiculous story that somehow has infected the western world (and certain orthodox Mideastern religious sects) with a belief that women have value only in so far as how well they reproduce and at the same time please their mate. A man commits adultery and it’s just boys will be boys. A woman commits adultery, and she’s a slut.

It’s also interesting to note that in the BC era, up through the 19th century, women were often society’s healers. They were the ones who used herbs and plants in the treatment of various ailments. The irony here lies especially during the Plague years of Western Europe. Quite often it was the women healers (whom the Catholic Church branded as instruments of Satan) and midwives whom were the first the villagers turned upon and in many cases, even those who had used their services (usually secretly), branded as devil worshipers and witches. Many of these women were put to death. Again, irony... the very women who might be able to help the sick were now dead or banished, leaving no one with advanced medical experience to deal with a growing population of sick and dying people.

Referring back to the above story of Adam and Eve, one has to note how similar the Old Testament is to Greek mythology (and many others as well). Just as Zeus bound Prometheus to a rock for eternity for giving man fire (light), the Old Testament god punished Adam and Eve for pursuing knowledge. Why? Because in both myths, when humans gained more and more power (light, knowledge, wisdom) they became threats to the god(s) that made them. This whole concept seems to spill over into organized religion and government politics (not much difference between the two). The less knowledge each’s constituents have, the more easily they can be controlled and manipulated.

Women, I think, have always been the biggest potential problem for organized political bodies and have therefore been branded with the idea that they are emotionally and physically weak, horrible problem solvers in the political arena, and intellectually inferior to men. Even in the developed world… what % of Fortune 500 companies are headed by women? How many women bishops, cardinals, or popes? What % of women are leaders of their country? The answer to all of these questions is that women are almost insignificant in number and, in most cases, women are treated as an insignificant but necessary part of society (child bearing, husband pleasing, and family unity).

We would like to hear your thoughts on the topic. Why is it that women are, in many countries, second class citizens? Who is to blame?

Dating: Is there a Shortage of Eligible, Straight, Single Men? NO WAY!

On December 7, 2001 The Wall Street Journal published an interesting article on the shortage of women. The report showed a trend in men’s marrying age, waiting until their late thirties and early 40’s before making a life-long commitment. The underlying reason for this is probably that men have bought into the American family myth where the man is the head of the household only if he is the chief breadwinner. In other words, these men are trying to assert themselves professionally to a point where they feel financially independent with the means of supporting a family.

If one adds up the number of men in this age category (quite a few – their part of the baby boomer generation) and then adds up the relatively few generation X women who are usually between 4 and 10 years younger, 30 something women have at least 3 to 4 men to choose from apiece.

A 1986 national survey commissioned by Glamour magazine found a rising preference for the single life among women in their twenties and thirties: 90 percent of the never-married women said, "the reason they haven't married is that they haven't wanted to yet."

A review of fourteen years of U.S. National Survey data charted an 11 percent jump in happiness among 1980s-era single women in their twenties and thirties--and a 6.3 percent decline in happiness among married women of the same age.

The more women are paid, the less eager they are to marry. A 1982 study of three thousand singles found that women earning high incomes are almost twice as likely to want to remain unwed as women earning low incomes.

Final thoughts from Chris Williams
Another point (and I can verify this through my own experience) is that by the ages of 38 - 42 single men tend to find the dating game as monotonous, boring, and expensive with nothing to show for it. They begin to look past a woman’s hair, boobs, and butt to see a human being with wants, needs, and values similar to their own – a person with whom they can truly share life’s hidden surprises.

Why Are More Men Waiting to Marry? Answers from a Recent Rutgers Report

A recent article from ABC news summarizes a Rutgers University study analyzing why men are less eager to marry...

Excerpts from the article:
“Men don't need to get married to get what they want these days -mainly sex - so they feel comfortable in putting off that long term commitment until they have a few bucks in the bank, and a mortgage to pay off.”

Sure, I think this is part of it, but I think the sense of independence is a bigger driver for most men. Most boys don’t become “men” until well after their thirtieth birthday.

More from the Rutgers Report…
The researchers conducted eight meetings with 60 "not-yet-married" men in northern New Jersey, Chicago, Washington, D.C., and Houston. The men were ages 25 to 33, and none of them were gay. Is this a valid sample size???

Men are now waiting on average until the age of 27 to marry, compared to 25 for women, but that doesn't mean they are against marriage as an institution, according to the co-directors of the project, David Popenoe, a behavioral scientist and professor of sociology at Rutgers, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a marriage expert. Men, they conclude, just aren't in any hurry.

"The good news is that men who marry later may be more financially stable and emotionally mature," says Popenoe.

The participants indicated that they want a woman who is able to take care of herself, which is somewhat of a reversal from the macho old world attitudes of just a generation or two ago.

"Most of the men in these groups want to marry at some future time in their lives," the researchers conclude. "They expect their marriages to last a lifetime. Like the majority of young adults today, they are seeking a `soul mate'."

"Today's young men encounter few, if any, traditional pressures from religion, employers or society to marry," the researchers state, although they do get a bit of ribbing from parents who want grandchildren and colleagues who have already made that trip to the altar.

One area that concerns many men, according to the research, is the fear of failure. They see friends who are too willing to give up at the first sign of disharmony, and there's no question that marriage is not an easy institution to maintain.

The researchers believe marriage has a much better chance of surviving if both partners expect it to last a lifetime. Attitude at the opening gun seems to be very important.

But here's a line from the report that is worth pondering: "Men see marriage as a final step in a prolonged process of growing up." Not surprisingly, some of the guys who participated in the project are still living with their parents.

Dr. Phil Show: Young Wives Club - Case in Point

Recently Dr. Phil aired a show (March 17th) called "The Young Wives Club". http://drphil.com/shows/show/1242/ "How young is too young to tie the knot? Dr. Phil meets three couples in their early 20s who have relationships rocked by betrayals, domestic violence and infidelity." While I didn't see the show (I HATE TELEVISION) I found the link in an online search.

Although there are many great examples of young loving relationships, there are too many examples of immature, selfish relationships. Why would these young people marry when they clearly are not ready... and even worse... why would they bring children into the world!?!?

I found a comment on the show's message board very interesting
Replied By: justmytwocents on Mar 19, 2009, 12:52AM
"I just read the show and my heart is broken for these young men and women. So much has gone wrong and I am glad they are seeking help, that is the first step, so I say smart move on their parts. Being that young and being in a relationship is difficult because for one you have not formed your own identity yet, it is wrapped up all into another person. What I mean to say is that you did not have a chance to figure out who you were before you committed your heart and your life to another person, so you came to the relationship not quite whole emotionally. And it isn't that you did anything wrong, its just that when you are older (say over 30) which really isn't all that old, but my point is to say that when you are older you realize that when you were in your teens and late 20's that you really weren't all that mature. It's just something that we all realize about ourselves, so don't think I am picking on any of you."

BRILLIANT!

U @ 50

This video that was submitted by a 20-year-old in an AARP contest. (Wow! I didn't know the AARP was so cutting edge!) The contest was titled "U @ 50", which invited young people to project their future. This video won second place and has so far received almost 4.5 million hits. So simple and yet so brilliant! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA

The #1 Predictor of Divorce

According to http://www.smartmarriages.com/ the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. What's sad is the reason that we avoid conflict is because we believe it (conflict) causes divorce. It's like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor,"We never talk anymore. We figured out that's when we do all our fighting."
In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.

When I was married (in my twenties) I dreaded fights with my husband. A simple disagreement would escilate to a yelling match - he would continue to badger me for hours until I'd cave. I would do anything to end the discussion - typically admitting I was wrong and he was right. After a few bad blow-ups I became determined to avoid conflict at any cost.

Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it's true that we don't get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn'tknow how – or learn how – to fight or disagree successfully, they won't be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking. Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions.

In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change. When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don't promise to stay the same! That would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.

http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorcepredictor.html

The Disney Effect (Media's Portrayal of Women) - by Chris Williams

There’s very few sit-coms I watch on TV, but one I do enjoy is Two and a Half Men. It has some great one-liners, the young boy is hilarious, and fantasizing being Charlie is definitely a part of the program’s draw. I got to thinking about the overt connotations made in the program toward men, women, and sexuality. The program feeds directly into the myth that most women are fairly stupid, easy lays looking in the wrong places for meaningful relationships while the protagonist, Charlie, is a borderline alcoholic who defines a relationship by the number of times he gets the same woman in bed and not by its length in months or years but days.

Charlie’s brother becomes a sympathetic character whose ex-wife is depicted as an unfeeling woman who has destroyed his masculinity, self image, and financial stability. The thing that struck me was the division of characters and the depiction of each. Charlie’s numerous sexual encounters (sometimes more than one in a day with different women) are not exactly condoned, but since boys will be boys, he’s not held to any moral standard.

Now if you reversed the situation and used a woman in Charlie’s place, this type of behavior would be condemned, labeling the woman with many of society’s terms for a woman with this type of sexual appetite and lack of interest in long term commitment: slut, whore, nymphomaniac etc. Ironically, the only really strong, independent, self confident woman in the program is Charlie’s mother who is depicted as an egotistical opportunist who failed miserably as a mother, and wife. In other words, it’s OK for the guys but not for the women.

Most of us grew up with Disney films. Look at each blockbusting Disney animated film and the myth of the needy woman being rescued by the white knight is repeated over and over. The scariest depiction is in The Beauty and the Beast. A young boy watching this film will see that various forms of abusing women, both physically and emotionally is part of what a man does. This is repeated several times during the film. Even after the abuse the fair maiden suffers at the hands of the ‘beast’, it is still her duty to forgive and give him time to change his behavior and attitude towards her. The film essentially tells us that his behavior is mostly her fault to begin with. This is the exact wrong message to send to young boys or men in general. Any female victim of abuse will tell you that the abuse only gets worse, and that the abuser is in deep psychological trouble.

These are just a few examples I’ve been pondering, but the ramifications of messages sent to us via the media, especially as it concerns our traditional view of women are quite disturbing.

Federally funded ad campaign promotes marriage to an under 30 crowd

The U.S. government is launching a $5 million media campaign touting the healthy benefits of marriage. Ads will begin running on Facebook, Myspace and YouTube this month, targeting 18-to 30-year-old singles, claiming marriage leads to greater wealth, better health and more happiness. http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-02-17-marriage-campaign_N.htm

I find it ridiculous that in times of economic meltdown the government is spending $5 million to promote marriage to a young audience. I could think of a million place this money could be better spent! How about the government spends $5 million on sex education to help reduce the number of teen pregnancies?!?!

Marriage is a very personal issue and should only be considered when one is well into adult-hood, which for most is well into their twenties and even thirties in this day and age. We are sending the wrong message here! Plus, an ad on Myspace isn’t going to encourage someone to tie the knot.

What advice would you give to a young 20-something that was considering marriage?

Advice from Interviews

Survey participants from http://www.30reasons.com/ were asked “What advice would you give to a young 20-something that was considering marriage?” To demonstrate we would like to share a few comments here.

Female, 39, CA
“I never wanted to get married before. My mother married late (29 - which was ancient in the 60's) and I never really thought I would marry young. I only had one other relationship that might've ended in marriage, my college boyfriend, and had it, I would be divorced today. Also I made some huge personal shifts around the ages of 27 and 28, after lots of soul searching and work to understand who I was and what was important to me. I definitely believe that our love was realized partially as a result of me really being true to myself. I don't think it would have happened the way it did had I not made those changes in my life.”

Female, 45, MA“People change in both subtle and dramatic ways--they want experiment and adventure--what you think you want @ 20 can be very different by the time you are 30--for instance, you think you don't want children, and you change your mind. Or you think you want children, you have them, then your partner decides the responsibility is too great. There are many, many variables that come up during your 20's and that decade is a great validator for the next decades of life.”

Male, 30, CA
“Only want to do it once and I have way too many friends who have tried to do it at a younger age and are already having marital problems. I believe people (men in particular) are really not ready to settle down until they hit their 30's. Especially now, there is so much more for men AND women to accomplish before getting married and having a family. What you want now is not what you will want when you are 30. You have not experienced enough life yet on your own to commit to that. You have to wake up to him/her for the rest of your life. His/her personal problems/issues now become YOUR problems. The world has gotten a lot smaller with travel these days, go see it.”

What advice would you give a young 20-something that was considering marriage?

We Realize that Men Need Validation

I was absolutely fascinated when I ran across a blog by a guy arguing that all a man really wants, in life, is validation—primarily from his mother, girlfriends and eventually his life partner. The author goes on to claim that men are extremely vulnerable and that deep down they really just want to be unconditionally loved, just like a little boy.

He advises that women learn to listen objectively and to reflect feelings expressed by him without advising, criticizing or trying to change him. He suggests that women are the ones with the real power and that when you find a man that cherishes you and treats you well all you need to do is give him unconditional love and continued validation and you will have him in the palm of your hands for life. You’ve got to be kidding me—this is a man writing this?

Could it be that simple? Is it possible that men just want us to pat them on the head and rub their belly?

15 Things You SHOULD Learn in Your 20's

The difference between complement and complete
That men are just looking for validation
Love will NOT conquer all
That it's important to preserve your identity
To not to be dependent on others for our happiness
That jealously is a waste of time
How to pick your battles
That the knight in shining armor does not exist
That relationships take work
That men will always be kids
To recognize patterns in people - alcoholism, drug abuse
The male brain doesn’t even fully develop until the mid-20s
The difference between passionate and enduring love
You must find a friend first and a lover second
That no relationship is a failure

15 Reasons to Wait until After 30 to Wed

You change dramatically in your 20s
You have a stronger sense of self
You have more physical confidence
You have more social confidence
You are more emotionally intelligent
You are more financially independent
You live longer
You can have babies later in life
You don’t reach your sexual peek until your 30s
You don’t need to get married to have sex
You know better than to fake it
You are better able to set boundaries
You know what you're looking for in a life partner
You are less likely to try to “change” or “fix” someone
You have better odds

why we wrote this book

As unmarried women approach their 30s, there seems to be a weird social stigma that causes them to question their prospects of marriage. Most of this is brought upon them by the media, which continually displays the over 30 unmarried female as a woman in the throes of desperation, attempting to complete her life by getting married. Meanwhile, the unmarried, over 30 male is portrayed as a strong, independent, financially and emotionally secure man, harassed by dozens of anxiety ridden women embarking upon some sort of feeding frenzy. Reality TV shows and sitcoms prove this point: Friends, The Adventures of Old Christine and The Bachelor. We saw The Bachelor as the last straw in a series of media genres that exalts manhood and portrays women as weepy, back-stabbing, nail biting bitches willing to break any rule, dig graves in which they can bury their self respect and self worth, as long as they win that guy . . . denigrating women to competitive fiends, vying for society’s ultimate prize: marriage. Ironically, and far too often, it’s the male who is the least mature and who exhibits the least responsibility in early marriages.

Both of us share a similar marriage/divorce timeline: married in our mid 20s and divorced in our early 30s. We also realized, as we looked at our unmarried friends, that many of them were enjoying their youth without boundaries, contracts, or time constraints. They were experiencing varying relationships, traveling alone (always a great adventure), establishing professions, and generally enjoying being themselves without the guilt associated with pursuing these individual desires apart from some contract another person holds over their heads. We came to the same conclusion: in most cases, marriage before 30 is a mistake.

Unaware of this mutual realization, we both began testing this conclusion in conversations with our friends, acquaintances, clients, and about anyone who’d listen. We both got the same response: almost every person we’d discussed this with (both married and unmarried) agreed that in the modern world, one should wait. (We were not surprised to find that well over 300 survey participants also endorsed this idea.)

That’s about the time we came together and began doing some research. What we found, shocked us: books galore on how to find the right guy; how to magically woo him into marriage and live happily ever after: How to Get Married After 35: A User’s Guide to Getting to the Altar; Find a Husband After 35: Using What I learned at Harvard Business School and so on. No wonder The Bachelor was so popular. It fed perfectly into this mindset of insecurity the unmarried woman faces in our society. Surprisingly, there was no counterpoint to this genre inviting women to delay marriage and to hell with the social stigma that might accompany that decision.

We both distinctly remember the moment we first discussed the idea. The pause was more than pregnant, and almost at the same time we both asked the question we’d probably been avoiding for some time: What would our lives have been like if we hadn’t given up almost 10 years to relationships that we now could see were doomed from the start?

book summary

30 Reasons NOT to Marry before 30, written by male and female co-authors, endorses the growing trend and benefits of delaying marriage. It gives women 30 reasons to disavow the mounting pressure they feel about finding a marriage partner as they approach and turn 30. These 30 reasons provide practical advice, a humorous set of examples and insights from participants aged 21-71.

Introduction
This book is in no way against marriage. It is rather an opportunity to encourage those in their twenties to reach maturity before making “the big decision” and to advise the never married women in their thirties that they are the “smart ones” (despite the media’s portrayal). We tell the real stories of those that took the plunge too soon, and those that wish to share sacred keys that open the doors to a ‘successful’ marriage.

We’ve both spent a good deal of time in the self help section of the book store. We are consistently amazed at how much literature is devoted to helping a woman achieve success at what is supposed to be her ultimate goal: the altar. Marriage is all fine and well, but wait. Give yourself time. My god, you’re young, energetic, full of unfulfilled dreams, probably pretty well educated, and you want to close all of those open doors by signing a contract that commits you to someone else when you don’t even have your own life figured out?

Society Frowns but Trends Talk
At the beginning of the 20th century, the average U.S. life expectancy was at most in the mid 50s. Couples married young because there was a much narrower window in which to raise a family. By the time most children were grown, their parents were either sick or dead. Medical technology and guides to healthier living have changed that. You’re going to live a long, full life so don’t squander those extra years that dieticians, yoga, spas, and vaccines have given you by rushing to the altar: use your youth to explore, laugh, cry, travel, meet new people, pursue a career, or just plain old be who you want to be; off the clock, no strings attached; even a little irresponsible. In other words, indulge yourself at an age in your life when that is about all you’re really emotionally capable of. Don’t worry; the responsibilities, the contract obligations, the sacrifices . . . they’ll come (all too quickly), but before they do—get to know yourself; you might like what you find.

Better Odds in Vegas
So, what do you think your chances are of a lasting marriage if you wed at age 25? Well, 4 out of every 10 of you will divorce। That’s a pretty high risk factor. But, (and here’s the kicker) for every 5 years a woman waited to marry after the age of 26, the divorce rate dropped 50%! To put that in perspective, if you married between the ages of 35-39 your chances of a marriage ending in divorce decreased to 5%, or there’s a 95% chance your marriage will last. While the median marriage age has increased from 21 in 1960 to 26 in 2007, we still have a long way to go.

But, I Want To Have Babies
Fine, great… just don’t rush it! There’s really no need. For example, if you marry at 35, and your marriage is successful, you get to spend about 50 years with your spouse – that’s a heck of a long time! After a couple of years together, both of you are perfectly capable physiologically to begin raising a family. All studies which address this agree that babies born to 35-39 year old women come out just as happy and healthy as those born to younger age-groups. The studies, specifically the Apgar scores (method to quickly assess the health of newborn children), are practically screaming at you to enjoy your 20s while they’re there, because once they’re gone…well, you know the rest. The older the mother (even into her early 40s), the more mature she is psychologically and emotionally. She’s dealt with problems on her own, made decisions on her own, established a profession, developed a healthy self-awareness, learned to avoid the assholes of the world, and is surely more prepared to deal with the infinite myriad of tribulations about to descend upon her when she begins raising a child (children).