According to http://www.smartmarriages.com/ the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. What's sad is the reason that we avoid conflict is because we believe it (conflict) causes divorce. It's like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor,"We never talk anymore. We figured out that's when we do all our fighting."
In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.
When I was married (in my twenties) I dreaded fights with my husband. A simple disagreement would escilate to a yelling match - he would continue to badger me for hours until I'd cave. I would do anything to end the discussion - typically admitting I was wrong and he was right. After a few bad blow-ups I became determined to avoid conflict at any cost.
Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it's true that we don't get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn'tknow how – or learn how – to fight or disagree successfully, they won't be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking. Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions.
In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change. When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don't promise to stay the same! That would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorcepredictor.html
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This is an important article for your readers. And as a member of SmartMarriages, you are right on as to what they advocate.
ReplyDeleteAs a relationship expert (www.ChoiceRelationships.com), I can share some good news: there are skills couples can learn so that they can handle conflicts better. When they do, their partnerships fare much better. I offer a free teleseminar, "The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship." To hear it, go to: http://choicerelationships.com/teleseminar_resources.
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