The U.S. government is launching a $5 million media campaign touting the healthy benefits of marriage. Ads will begin running on Facebook, Myspace and YouTube this month, targeting 18-to 30-year-old singles, claiming marriage leads to greater wealth, better health and more happiness. http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-02-17-marriage-campaign_N.htm
I find it ridiculous that in times of economic meltdown the government is spending $5 million to promote marriage to a young audience. I could think of a million place this money could be better spent! How about the government spends $5 million on sex education to help reduce the number of teen pregnancies?!?!
Marriage is a very personal issue and should only be considered when one is well into adult-hood, which for most is well into their twenties and even thirties in this day and age. We are sending the wrong message here! Plus, an ad on Myspace isn’t going to encourage someone to tie the knot.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
What advice would you give to a young 20-something that was considering marriage?
Advice from Interviews
Survey participants from http://www.30reasons.com/ were asked “What advice would you give to a young 20-something that was considering marriage?” To demonstrate we would like to share a few comments here.
Female, 39, CA
“I never wanted to get married before. My mother married late (29 - which was ancient in the 60's) and I never really thought I would marry young. I only had one other relationship that might've ended in marriage, my college boyfriend, and had it, I would be divorced today. Also I made some huge personal shifts around the ages of 27 and 28, after lots of soul searching and work to understand who I was and what was important to me. I definitely believe that our love was realized partially as a result of me really being true to myself. I don't think it would have happened the way it did had I not made those changes in my life.”
Female, 45, MA“People change in both subtle and dramatic ways--they want experiment and adventure--what you think you want @ 20 can be very different by the time you are 30--for instance, you think you don't want children, and you change your mind. Or you think you want children, you have them, then your partner decides the responsibility is too great. There are many, many variables that come up during your 20's and that decade is a great validator for the next decades of life.”
Male, 30, CA
“Only want to do it once and I have way too many friends who have tried to do it at a younger age and are already having marital problems. I believe people (men in particular) are really not ready to settle down until they hit their 30's. Especially now, there is so much more for men AND women to accomplish before getting married and having a family. What you want now is not what you will want when you are 30. You have not experienced enough life yet on your own to commit to that. You have to wake up to him/her for the rest of your life. His/her personal problems/issues now become YOUR problems. The world has gotten a lot smaller with travel these days, go see it.”
What advice would you give a young 20-something that was considering marriage?
Survey participants from http://www.30reasons.com/ were asked “What advice would you give to a young 20-something that was considering marriage?” To demonstrate we would like to share a few comments here.
Female, 39, CA
“I never wanted to get married before. My mother married late (29 - which was ancient in the 60's) and I never really thought I would marry young. I only had one other relationship that might've ended in marriage, my college boyfriend, and had it, I would be divorced today. Also I made some huge personal shifts around the ages of 27 and 28, after lots of soul searching and work to understand who I was and what was important to me. I definitely believe that our love was realized partially as a result of me really being true to myself. I don't think it would have happened the way it did had I not made those changes in my life.”
Female, 45, MA“People change in both subtle and dramatic ways--they want experiment and adventure--what you think you want @ 20 can be very different by the time you are 30--for instance, you think you don't want children, and you change your mind. Or you think you want children, you have them, then your partner decides the responsibility is too great. There are many, many variables that come up during your 20's and that decade is a great validator for the next decades of life.”
Male, 30, CA
“Only want to do it once and I have way too many friends who have tried to do it at a younger age and are already having marital problems. I believe people (men in particular) are really not ready to settle down until they hit their 30's. Especially now, there is so much more for men AND women to accomplish before getting married and having a family. What you want now is not what you will want when you are 30. You have not experienced enough life yet on your own to commit to that. You have to wake up to him/her for the rest of your life. His/her personal problems/issues now become YOUR problems. The world has gotten a lot smaller with travel these days, go see it.”
What advice would you give a young 20-something that was considering marriage?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
We Realize that Men Need Validation
I was absolutely fascinated when I ran across a blog by a guy arguing that all a man really wants, in life, is validation—primarily from his mother, girlfriends and eventually his life partner. The author goes on to claim that men are extremely vulnerable and that deep down they really just want to be unconditionally loved, just like a little boy.
He advises that women learn to listen objectively and to reflect feelings expressed by him without advising, criticizing or trying to change him. He suggests that women are the ones with the real power and that when you find a man that cherishes you and treats you well all you need to do is give him unconditional love and continued validation and you will have him in the palm of your hands for life. You’ve got to be kidding me—this is a man writing this?
Could it be that simple? Is it possible that men just want us to pat them on the head and rub their belly?
He advises that women learn to listen objectively and to reflect feelings expressed by him without advising, criticizing or trying to change him. He suggests that women are the ones with the real power and that when you find a man that cherishes you and treats you well all you need to do is give him unconditional love and continued validation and you will have him in the palm of your hands for life. You’ve got to be kidding me—this is a man writing this?
Could it be that simple? Is it possible that men just want us to pat them on the head and rub their belly?
15 Things You SHOULD Learn in Your 20's
The difference between complement and complete
That men are just looking for validation
Love will NOT conquer all
That it's important to preserve your identity
To not to be dependent on others for our happiness
That jealously is a waste of time
How to pick your battles
That the knight in shining armor does not exist
That relationships take work
That men will always be kids
To recognize patterns in people - alcoholism, drug abuse
The male brain doesn’t even fully develop until the mid-20s
The difference between passionate and enduring love
You must find a friend first and a lover second
That no relationship is a failure
That men are just looking for validation
Love will NOT conquer all
That it's important to preserve your identity
To not to be dependent on others for our happiness
That jealously is a waste of time
How to pick your battles
That the knight in shining armor does not exist
That relationships take work
That men will always be kids
To recognize patterns in people - alcoholism, drug abuse
The male brain doesn’t even fully develop until the mid-20s
The difference between passionate and enduring love
You must find a friend first and a lover second
That no relationship is a failure
15 Reasons to Wait until After 30 to Wed
You change dramatically in your 20s
You have a stronger sense of self
You have more physical confidence
You have more social confidence
You are more emotionally intelligent
You are more financially independent
You live longer
You can have babies later in life
You don’t reach your sexual peek until your 30s
You don’t need to get married to have sex
You know better than to fake it
You are better able to set boundaries
You know what you're looking for in a life partner
You are less likely to try to “change” or “fix” someone
You have better odds
You have a stronger sense of self
You have more physical confidence
You have more social confidence
You are more emotionally intelligent
You are more financially independent
You live longer
You can have babies later in life
You don’t reach your sexual peek until your 30s
You don’t need to get married to have sex
You know better than to fake it
You are better able to set boundaries
You know what you're looking for in a life partner
You are less likely to try to “change” or “fix” someone
You have better odds
Sunday, February 8, 2009
why we wrote this book
As unmarried women approach their 30s, there seems to be a weird social stigma that causes them to question their prospects of marriage. Most of this is brought upon them by the media, which continually displays the over 30 unmarried female as a woman in the throes of desperation, attempting to complete her life by getting married. Meanwhile, the unmarried, over 30 male is portrayed as a strong, independent, financially and emotionally secure man, harassed by dozens of anxiety ridden women embarking upon some sort of feeding frenzy. Reality TV shows and sitcoms prove this point: Friends, The Adventures of Old Christine and The Bachelor. We saw The Bachelor as the last straw in a series of media genres that exalts manhood and portrays women as weepy, back-stabbing, nail biting bitches willing to break any rule, dig graves in which they can bury their self respect and self worth, as long as they win that guy . . . denigrating women to competitive fiends, vying for society’s ultimate prize: marriage. Ironically, and far too often, it’s the male who is the least mature and who exhibits the least responsibility in early marriages.
Both of us share a similar marriage/divorce timeline: married in our mid 20s and divorced in our early 30s. We also realized, as we looked at our unmarried friends, that many of them were enjoying their youth without boundaries, contracts, or time constraints. They were experiencing varying relationships, traveling alone (always a great adventure), establishing professions, and generally enjoying being themselves without the guilt associated with pursuing these individual desires apart from some contract another person holds over their heads. We came to the same conclusion: in most cases, marriage before 30 is a mistake.
Unaware of this mutual realization, we both began testing this conclusion in conversations with our friends, acquaintances, clients, and about anyone who’d listen. We both got the same response: almost every person we’d discussed this with (both married and unmarried) agreed that in the modern world, one should wait. (We were not surprised to find that well over 300 survey participants also endorsed this idea.)
That’s about the time we came together and began doing some research. What we found, shocked us: books galore on how to find the right guy; how to magically woo him into marriage and live happily ever after: How to Get Married After 35: A User’s Guide to Getting to the Altar; Find a Husband After 35: Using What I learned at Harvard Business School and so on. No wonder The Bachelor was so popular. It fed perfectly into this mindset of insecurity the unmarried woman faces in our society. Surprisingly, there was no counterpoint to this genre inviting women to delay marriage and to hell with the social stigma that might accompany that decision.
We both distinctly remember the moment we first discussed the idea. The pause was more than pregnant, and almost at the same time we both asked the question we’d probably been avoiding for some time: What would our lives have been like if we hadn’t given up almost 10 years to relationships that we now could see were doomed from the start?
Both of us share a similar marriage/divorce timeline: married in our mid 20s and divorced in our early 30s. We also realized, as we looked at our unmarried friends, that many of them were enjoying their youth without boundaries, contracts, or time constraints. They were experiencing varying relationships, traveling alone (always a great adventure), establishing professions, and generally enjoying being themselves without the guilt associated with pursuing these individual desires apart from some contract another person holds over their heads. We came to the same conclusion: in most cases, marriage before 30 is a mistake.
Unaware of this mutual realization, we both began testing this conclusion in conversations with our friends, acquaintances, clients, and about anyone who’d listen. We both got the same response: almost every person we’d discussed this with (both married and unmarried) agreed that in the modern world, one should wait. (We were not surprised to find that well over 300 survey participants also endorsed this idea.)
That’s about the time we came together and began doing some research. What we found, shocked us: books galore on how to find the right guy; how to magically woo him into marriage and live happily ever after: How to Get Married After 35: A User’s Guide to Getting to the Altar; Find a Husband After 35: Using What I learned at Harvard Business School and so on. No wonder The Bachelor was so popular. It fed perfectly into this mindset of insecurity the unmarried woman faces in our society. Surprisingly, there was no counterpoint to this genre inviting women to delay marriage and to hell with the social stigma that might accompany that decision.
We both distinctly remember the moment we first discussed the idea. The pause was more than pregnant, and almost at the same time we both asked the question we’d probably been avoiding for some time: What would our lives have been like if we hadn’t given up almost 10 years to relationships that we now could see were doomed from the start?
book summary
30 Reasons NOT to Marry before 30, written by male and female co-authors, endorses the growing trend and benefits of delaying marriage. It gives women 30 reasons to disavow the mounting pressure they feel about finding a marriage partner as they approach and turn 30. These 30 reasons provide practical advice, a humorous set of examples and insights from participants aged 21-71.
Introduction
This book is in no way against marriage. It is rather an opportunity to encourage those in their twenties to reach maturity before making “the big decision” and to advise the never married women in their thirties that they are the “smart ones” (despite the media’s portrayal). We tell the real stories of those that took the plunge too soon, and those that wish to share sacred keys that open the doors to a ‘successful’ marriage.
We’ve both spent a good deal of time in the self help section of the book store. We are consistently amazed at how much literature is devoted to helping a woman achieve success at what is supposed to be her ultimate goal: the altar. Marriage is all fine and well, but wait. Give yourself time. My god, you’re young, energetic, full of unfulfilled dreams, probably pretty well educated, and you want to close all of those open doors by signing a contract that commits you to someone else when you don’t even have your own life figured out?
Society Frowns but Trends Talk
At the beginning of the 20th century, the average U.S. life expectancy was at most in the mid 50s. Couples married young because there was a much narrower window in which to raise a family. By the time most children were grown, their parents were either sick or dead. Medical technology and guides to healthier living have changed that. You’re going to live a long, full life so don’t squander those extra years that dieticians, yoga, spas, and vaccines have given you by rushing to the altar: use your youth to explore, laugh, cry, travel, meet new people, pursue a career, or just plain old be who you want to be; off the clock, no strings attached; even a little irresponsible. In other words, indulge yourself at an age in your life when that is about all you’re really emotionally capable of. Don’t worry; the responsibilities, the contract obligations, the sacrifices . . . they’ll come (all too quickly), but before they do—get to know yourself; you might like what you find.
Better Odds in Vegas
So, what do you think your chances are of a lasting marriage if you wed at age 25? Well, 4 out of every 10 of you will divorce। That’s a pretty high risk factor. But, (and here’s the kicker) for every 5 years a woman waited to marry after the age of 26, the divorce rate dropped 50%! To put that in perspective, if you married between the ages of 35-39 your chances of a marriage ending in divorce decreased to 5%, or there’s a 95% chance your marriage will last. While the median marriage age has increased from 21 in 1960 to 26 in 2007, we still have a long way to go.
But, I Want To Have Babies
Fine, great… just don’t rush it! There’s really no need. For example, if you marry at 35, and your marriage is successful, you get to spend about 50 years with your spouse – that’s a heck of a long time! After a couple of years together, both of you are perfectly capable physiologically to begin raising a family. All studies which address this agree that babies born to 35-39 year old women come out just as happy and healthy as those born to younger age-groups. The studies, specifically the Apgar scores (method to quickly assess the health of newborn children), are practically screaming at you to enjoy your 20s while they’re there, because once they’re gone…well, you know the rest. The older the mother (even into her early 40s), the more mature she is psychologically and emotionally. She’s dealt with problems on her own, made decisions on her own, established a profession, developed a healthy self-awareness, learned to avoid the assholes of the world, and is surely more prepared to deal with the infinite myriad of tribulations about to descend upon her when she begins raising a child (children).
Introduction
This book is in no way against marriage. It is rather an opportunity to encourage those in their twenties to reach maturity before making “the big decision” and to advise the never married women in their thirties that they are the “smart ones” (despite the media’s portrayal). We tell the real stories of those that took the plunge too soon, and those that wish to share sacred keys that open the doors to a ‘successful’ marriage.
We’ve both spent a good deal of time in the self help section of the book store. We are consistently amazed at how much literature is devoted to helping a woman achieve success at what is supposed to be her ultimate goal: the altar. Marriage is all fine and well, but wait. Give yourself time. My god, you’re young, energetic, full of unfulfilled dreams, probably pretty well educated, and you want to close all of those open doors by signing a contract that commits you to someone else when you don’t even have your own life figured out?
Society Frowns but Trends Talk
At the beginning of the 20th century, the average U.S. life expectancy was at most in the mid 50s. Couples married young because there was a much narrower window in which to raise a family. By the time most children were grown, their parents were either sick or dead. Medical technology and guides to healthier living have changed that. You’re going to live a long, full life so don’t squander those extra years that dieticians, yoga, spas, and vaccines have given you by rushing to the altar: use your youth to explore, laugh, cry, travel, meet new people, pursue a career, or just plain old be who you want to be; off the clock, no strings attached; even a little irresponsible. In other words, indulge yourself at an age in your life when that is about all you’re really emotionally capable of. Don’t worry; the responsibilities, the contract obligations, the sacrifices . . . they’ll come (all too quickly), but before they do—get to know yourself; you might like what you find.
Better Odds in Vegas
So, what do you think your chances are of a lasting marriage if you wed at age 25? Well, 4 out of every 10 of you will divorce। That’s a pretty high risk factor. But, (and here’s the kicker) for every 5 years a woman waited to marry after the age of 26, the divorce rate dropped 50%! To put that in perspective, if you married between the ages of 35-39 your chances of a marriage ending in divorce decreased to 5%, or there’s a 95% chance your marriage will last. While the median marriage age has increased from 21 in 1960 to 26 in 2007, we still have a long way to go.
But, I Want To Have Babies
Fine, great… just don’t rush it! There’s really no need. For example, if you marry at 35, and your marriage is successful, you get to spend about 50 years with your spouse – that’s a heck of a long time! After a couple of years together, both of you are perfectly capable physiologically to begin raising a family. All studies which address this agree that babies born to 35-39 year old women come out just as happy and healthy as those born to younger age-groups. The studies, specifically the Apgar scores (method to quickly assess the health of newborn children), are practically screaming at you to enjoy your 20s while they’re there, because once they’re gone…well, you know the rest. The older the mother (even into her early 40s), the more mature she is psychologically and emotionally. She’s dealt with problems on her own, made decisions on her own, established a profession, developed a healthy self-awareness, learned to avoid the assholes of the world, and is surely more prepared to deal with the infinite myriad of tribulations about to descend upon her when she begins raising a child (children).
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