Recently Dr. Phil aired a show (March 17th) called "The Young Wives Club". http://drphil.com/shows/show/1242/ "How young is too young to tie the knot? Dr. Phil meets three couples in their early 20s who have relationships rocked by betrayals, domestic violence and infidelity." While I didn't see the show (I HATE TELEVISION) I found the link in an online search.
Although there are many great examples of young loving relationships, there are too many examples of immature, selfish relationships. Why would these young people marry when they clearly are not ready... and even worse... why would they bring children into the world!?!?
I found a comment on the show's message board very interesting
Replied By: justmytwocents on Mar 19, 2009, 12:52AM
"I just read the show and my heart is broken for these young men and women. So much has gone wrong and I am glad they are seeking help, that is the first step, so I say smart move on their parts. Being that young and being in a relationship is difficult because for one you have not formed your own identity yet, it is wrapped up all into another person. What I mean to say is that you did not have a chance to figure out who you were before you committed your heart and your life to another person, so you came to the relationship not quite whole emotionally. And it isn't that you did anything wrong, its just that when you are older (say over 30) which really isn't all that old, but my point is to say that when you are older you realize that when you were in your teens and late 20's that you really weren't all that mature. It's just something that we all realize about ourselves, so don't think I am picking on any of you."
BRILLIANT!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
U @ 50
This video that was submitted by a 20-year-old in an AARP contest. (Wow! I didn't know the AARP was so cutting edge!) The contest was titled "U @ 50", which invited young people to project their future. This video won second place and has so far received almost 4.5 million hits. So simple and yet so brilliant! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The #1 Predictor of Divorce
According to http://www.smartmarriages.com/ the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. What's sad is the reason that we avoid conflict is because we believe it (conflict) causes divorce. It's like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor,"We never talk anymore. We figured out that's when we do all our fighting."
In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.
When I was married (in my twenties) I dreaded fights with my husband. A simple disagreement would escilate to a yelling match - he would continue to badger me for hours until I'd cave. I would do anything to end the discussion - typically admitting I was wrong and he was right. After a few bad blow-ups I became determined to avoid conflict at any cost.
Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it's true that we don't get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn'tknow how – or learn how – to fight or disagree successfully, they won't be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking. Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions.
In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change. When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don't promise to stay the same! That would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorcepredictor.html
In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.
When I was married (in my twenties) I dreaded fights with my husband. A simple disagreement would escilate to a yelling match - he would continue to badger me for hours until I'd cave. I would do anything to end the discussion - typically admitting I was wrong and he was right. After a few bad blow-ups I became determined to avoid conflict at any cost.
Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it's true that we don't get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn'tknow how – or learn how – to fight or disagree successfully, they won't be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking. Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions.
In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change. When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don't promise to stay the same! That would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorcepredictor.html
The Disney Effect (Media's Portrayal of Women) - by Chris Williams
There’s very few sit-coms I watch on TV, but one I do enjoy is Two and a Half Men. It has some great one-liners, the young boy is hilarious, and fantasizing being Charlie is definitely a part of the program’s draw. I got to thinking about the overt connotations made in the program toward men, women, and sexuality. The program feeds directly into the myth that most women are fairly stupid, easy lays looking in the wrong places for meaningful relationships while the protagonist, Charlie, is a borderline alcoholic who defines a relationship by the number of times he gets the same woman in bed and not by its length in months or years but days.
Charlie’s brother becomes a sympathetic character whose ex-wife is depicted as an unfeeling woman who has destroyed his masculinity, self image, and financial stability. The thing that struck me was the division of characters and the depiction of each. Charlie’s numerous sexual encounters (sometimes more than one in a day with different women) are not exactly condoned, but since boys will be boys, he’s not held to any moral standard.
Now if you reversed the situation and used a woman in Charlie’s place, this type of behavior would be condemned, labeling the woman with many of society’s terms for a woman with this type of sexual appetite and lack of interest in long term commitment: slut, whore, nymphomaniac etc. Ironically, the only really strong, independent, self confident woman in the program is Charlie’s mother who is depicted as an egotistical opportunist who failed miserably as a mother, and wife. In other words, it’s OK for the guys but not for the women.
Most of us grew up with Disney films. Look at each blockbusting Disney animated film and the myth of the needy woman being rescued by the white knight is repeated over and over. The scariest depiction is in The Beauty and the Beast. A young boy watching this film will see that various forms of abusing women, both physically and emotionally is part of what a man does. This is repeated several times during the film. Even after the abuse the fair maiden suffers at the hands of the ‘beast’, it is still her duty to forgive and give him time to change his behavior and attitude towards her. The film essentially tells us that his behavior is mostly her fault to begin with. This is the exact wrong message to send to young boys or men in general. Any female victim of abuse will tell you that the abuse only gets worse, and that the abuser is in deep psychological trouble.
These are just a few examples I’ve been pondering, but the ramifications of messages sent to us via the media, especially as it concerns our traditional view of women are quite disturbing.
Charlie’s brother becomes a sympathetic character whose ex-wife is depicted as an unfeeling woman who has destroyed his masculinity, self image, and financial stability. The thing that struck me was the division of characters and the depiction of each. Charlie’s numerous sexual encounters (sometimes more than one in a day with different women) are not exactly condoned, but since boys will be boys, he’s not held to any moral standard.
Now if you reversed the situation and used a woman in Charlie’s place, this type of behavior would be condemned, labeling the woman with many of society’s terms for a woman with this type of sexual appetite and lack of interest in long term commitment: slut, whore, nymphomaniac etc. Ironically, the only really strong, independent, self confident woman in the program is Charlie’s mother who is depicted as an egotistical opportunist who failed miserably as a mother, and wife. In other words, it’s OK for the guys but not for the women.
Most of us grew up with Disney films. Look at each blockbusting Disney animated film and the myth of the needy woman being rescued by the white knight is repeated over and over. The scariest depiction is in The Beauty and the Beast. A young boy watching this film will see that various forms of abusing women, both physically and emotionally is part of what a man does. This is repeated several times during the film. Even after the abuse the fair maiden suffers at the hands of the ‘beast’, it is still her duty to forgive and give him time to change his behavior and attitude towards her. The film essentially tells us that his behavior is mostly her fault to begin with. This is the exact wrong message to send to young boys or men in general. Any female victim of abuse will tell you that the abuse only gets worse, and that the abuser is in deep psychological trouble.
These are just a few examples I’ve been pondering, but the ramifications of messages sent to us via the media, especially as it concerns our traditional view of women are quite disturbing.
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