On December 7, 2001 The Wall Street Journal published an interesting article on the shortage of women. The report showed a trend in men’s marrying age, waiting until their late thirties and early 40’s before making a life-long commitment. The underlying reason for this is probably that men have bought into the American family myth where the man is the head of the household only if he is the chief breadwinner. In other words, these men are trying to assert themselves professionally to a point where they feel financially independent with the means of supporting a family.
If one adds up the number of men in this age category (quite a few – their part of the baby boomer generation) and then adds up the relatively few generation X women who are usually between 4 and 10 years younger, 30 something women have at least 3 to 4 men to choose from apiece.
A 1986 national survey commissioned by Glamour magazine found a rising preference for the single life among women in their twenties and thirties: 90 percent of the never-married women said, "the reason they haven't married is that they haven't wanted to yet."
A review of fourteen years of U.S. National Survey data charted an 11 percent jump in happiness among 1980s-era single women in their twenties and thirties--and a 6.3 percent decline in happiness among married women of the same age.
The more women are paid, the less eager they are to marry. A 1982 study of three thousand singles found that women earning high incomes are almost twice as likely to want to remain unwed as women earning low incomes.
Final thoughts from Chris Williams
Another point (and I can verify this through my own experience) is that by the ages of 38 - 42 single men tend to find the dating game as monotonous, boring, and expensive with nothing to show for it. They begin to look past a woman’s hair, boobs, and butt to see a human being with wants, needs, and values similar to their own – a person with whom they can truly share life’s hidden surprises.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Why Are More Men Waiting to Marry? Answers from a Recent Rutgers Report
A recent article from ABC news summarizes a Rutgers University study analyzing why men are less eager to marry...
Excerpts from the article:
“Men don't need to get married to get what they want these days -mainly sex - so they feel comfortable in putting off that long term commitment until they have a few bucks in the bank, and a mortgage to pay off.”
Sure, I think this is part of it, but I think the sense of independence is a bigger driver for most men. Most boys don’t become “men” until well after their thirtieth birthday.
More from the Rutgers Report…
The researchers conducted eight meetings with 60 "not-yet-married" men in northern New Jersey, Chicago, Washington, D.C., and Houston. The men were ages 25 to 33, and none of them were gay. Is this a valid sample size???
Men are now waiting on average until the age of 27 to marry, compared to 25 for women, but that doesn't mean they are against marriage as an institution, according to the co-directors of the project, David Popenoe, a behavioral scientist and professor of sociology at Rutgers, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a marriage expert. Men, they conclude, just aren't in any hurry.
"The good news is that men who marry later may be more financially stable and emotionally mature," says Popenoe.
The participants indicated that they want a woman who is able to take care of herself, which is somewhat of a reversal from the macho old world attitudes of just a generation or two ago.
"Most of the men in these groups want to marry at some future time in their lives," the researchers conclude. "They expect their marriages to last a lifetime. Like the majority of young adults today, they are seeking a `soul mate'."
"Today's young men encounter few, if any, traditional pressures from religion, employers or society to marry," the researchers state, although they do get a bit of ribbing from parents who want grandchildren and colleagues who have already made that trip to the altar.
One area that concerns many men, according to the research, is the fear of failure. They see friends who are too willing to give up at the first sign of disharmony, and there's no question that marriage is not an easy institution to maintain.
The researchers believe marriage has a much better chance of surviving if both partners expect it to last a lifetime. Attitude at the opening gun seems to be very important.
But here's a line from the report that is worth pondering: "Men see marriage as a final step in a prolonged process of growing up." Not surprisingly, some of the guys who participated in the project are still living with their parents.
Excerpts from the article:
“Men don't need to get married to get what they want these days -mainly sex - so they feel comfortable in putting off that long term commitment until they have a few bucks in the bank, and a mortgage to pay off.”
Sure, I think this is part of it, but I think the sense of independence is a bigger driver for most men. Most boys don’t become “men” until well after their thirtieth birthday.
More from the Rutgers Report…
The researchers conducted eight meetings with 60 "not-yet-married" men in northern New Jersey, Chicago, Washington, D.C., and Houston. The men were ages 25 to 33, and none of them were gay. Is this a valid sample size???
Men are now waiting on average until the age of 27 to marry, compared to 25 for women, but that doesn't mean they are against marriage as an institution, according to the co-directors of the project, David Popenoe, a behavioral scientist and professor of sociology at Rutgers, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a marriage expert. Men, they conclude, just aren't in any hurry.
"The good news is that men who marry later may be more financially stable and emotionally mature," says Popenoe.
The participants indicated that they want a woman who is able to take care of herself, which is somewhat of a reversal from the macho old world attitudes of just a generation or two ago.
"Most of the men in these groups want to marry at some future time in their lives," the researchers conclude. "They expect their marriages to last a lifetime. Like the majority of young adults today, they are seeking a `soul mate'."
"Today's young men encounter few, if any, traditional pressures from religion, employers or society to marry," the researchers state, although they do get a bit of ribbing from parents who want grandchildren and colleagues who have already made that trip to the altar.
One area that concerns many men, according to the research, is the fear of failure. They see friends who are too willing to give up at the first sign of disharmony, and there's no question that marriage is not an easy institution to maintain.
The researchers believe marriage has a much better chance of surviving if both partners expect it to last a lifetime. Attitude at the opening gun seems to be very important.
But here's a line from the report that is worth pondering: "Men see marriage as a final step in a prolonged process of growing up." Not surprisingly, some of the guys who participated in the project are still living with their parents.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Dr. Phil Show: Young Wives Club - Case in Point
Recently Dr. Phil aired a show (March 17th) called "The Young Wives Club". http://drphil.com/shows/show/1242/ "How young is too young to tie the knot? Dr. Phil meets three couples in their early 20s who have relationships rocked by betrayals, domestic violence and infidelity." While I didn't see the show (I HATE TELEVISION) I found the link in an online search.
Although there are many great examples of young loving relationships, there are too many examples of immature, selfish relationships. Why would these young people marry when they clearly are not ready... and even worse... why would they bring children into the world!?!?
I found a comment on the show's message board very interesting
Replied By: justmytwocents on Mar 19, 2009, 12:52AM
"I just read the show and my heart is broken for these young men and women. So much has gone wrong and I am glad they are seeking help, that is the first step, so I say smart move on their parts. Being that young and being in a relationship is difficult because for one you have not formed your own identity yet, it is wrapped up all into another person. What I mean to say is that you did not have a chance to figure out who you were before you committed your heart and your life to another person, so you came to the relationship not quite whole emotionally. And it isn't that you did anything wrong, its just that when you are older (say over 30) which really isn't all that old, but my point is to say that when you are older you realize that when you were in your teens and late 20's that you really weren't all that mature. It's just something that we all realize about ourselves, so don't think I am picking on any of you."
BRILLIANT!
Although there are many great examples of young loving relationships, there are too many examples of immature, selfish relationships. Why would these young people marry when they clearly are not ready... and even worse... why would they bring children into the world!?!?
I found a comment on the show's message board very interesting
Replied By: justmytwocents on Mar 19, 2009, 12:52AM
"I just read the show and my heart is broken for these young men and women. So much has gone wrong and I am glad they are seeking help, that is the first step, so I say smart move on their parts. Being that young and being in a relationship is difficult because for one you have not formed your own identity yet, it is wrapped up all into another person. What I mean to say is that you did not have a chance to figure out who you were before you committed your heart and your life to another person, so you came to the relationship not quite whole emotionally. And it isn't that you did anything wrong, its just that when you are older (say over 30) which really isn't all that old, but my point is to say that when you are older you realize that when you were in your teens and late 20's that you really weren't all that mature. It's just something that we all realize about ourselves, so don't think I am picking on any of you."
BRILLIANT!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
U @ 50
This video that was submitted by a 20-year-old in an AARP contest. (Wow! I didn't know the AARP was so cutting edge!) The contest was titled "U @ 50", which invited young people to project their future. This video won second place and has so far received almost 4.5 million hits. So simple and yet so brilliant! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The #1 Predictor of Divorce
According to http://www.smartmarriages.com/ the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. What's sad is the reason that we avoid conflict is because we believe it (conflict) causes divorce. It's like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor,"We never talk anymore. We figured out that's when we do all our fighting."
In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.
When I was married (in my twenties) I dreaded fights with my husband. A simple disagreement would escilate to a yelling match - he would continue to badger me for hours until I'd cave. I would do anything to end the discussion - typically admitting I was wrong and he was right. After a few bad blow-ups I became determined to avoid conflict at any cost.
Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it's true that we don't get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn'tknow how – or learn how – to fight or disagree successfully, they won't be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking. Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions.
In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change. When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don't promise to stay the same! That would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorcepredictor.html
In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.
When I was married (in my twenties) I dreaded fights with my husband. A simple disagreement would escilate to a yelling match - he would continue to badger me for hours until I'd cave. I would do anything to end the discussion - typically admitting I was wrong and he was right. After a few bad blow-ups I became determined to avoid conflict at any cost.
Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it's true that we don't get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn'tknow how – or learn how – to fight or disagree successfully, they won't be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking. Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions.
In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change. When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don't promise to stay the same! That would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorcepredictor.html
The Disney Effect (Media's Portrayal of Women) - by Chris Williams
There’s very few sit-coms I watch on TV, but one I do enjoy is Two and a Half Men. It has some great one-liners, the young boy is hilarious, and fantasizing being Charlie is definitely a part of the program’s draw. I got to thinking about the overt connotations made in the program toward men, women, and sexuality. The program feeds directly into the myth that most women are fairly stupid, easy lays looking in the wrong places for meaningful relationships while the protagonist, Charlie, is a borderline alcoholic who defines a relationship by the number of times he gets the same woman in bed and not by its length in months or years but days.
Charlie’s brother becomes a sympathetic character whose ex-wife is depicted as an unfeeling woman who has destroyed his masculinity, self image, and financial stability. The thing that struck me was the division of characters and the depiction of each. Charlie’s numerous sexual encounters (sometimes more than one in a day with different women) are not exactly condoned, but since boys will be boys, he’s not held to any moral standard.
Now if you reversed the situation and used a woman in Charlie’s place, this type of behavior would be condemned, labeling the woman with many of society’s terms for a woman with this type of sexual appetite and lack of interest in long term commitment: slut, whore, nymphomaniac etc. Ironically, the only really strong, independent, self confident woman in the program is Charlie’s mother who is depicted as an egotistical opportunist who failed miserably as a mother, and wife. In other words, it’s OK for the guys but not for the women.
Most of us grew up with Disney films. Look at each blockbusting Disney animated film and the myth of the needy woman being rescued by the white knight is repeated over and over. The scariest depiction is in The Beauty and the Beast. A young boy watching this film will see that various forms of abusing women, both physically and emotionally is part of what a man does. This is repeated several times during the film. Even after the abuse the fair maiden suffers at the hands of the ‘beast’, it is still her duty to forgive and give him time to change his behavior and attitude towards her. The film essentially tells us that his behavior is mostly her fault to begin with. This is the exact wrong message to send to young boys or men in general. Any female victim of abuse will tell you that the abuse only gets worse, and that the abuser is in deep psychological trouble.
These are just a few examples I’ve been pondering, but the ramifications of messages sent to us via the media, especially as it concerns our traditional view of women are quite disturbing.
Charlie’s brother becomes a sympathetic character whose ex-wife is depicted as an unfeeling woman who has destroyed his masculinity, self image, and financial stability. The thing that struck me was the division of characters and the depiction of each. Charlie’s numerous sexual encounters (sometimes more than one in a day with different women) are not exactly condoned, but since boys will be boys, he’s not held to any moral standard.
Now if you reversed the situation and used a woman in Charlie’s place, this type of behavior would be condemned, labeling the woman with many of society’s terms for a woman with this type of sexual appetite and lack of interest in long term commitment: slut, whore, nymphomaniac etc. Ironically, the only really strong, independent, self confident woman in the program is Charlie’s mother who is depicted as an egotistical opportunist who failed miserably as a mother, and wife. In other words, it’s OK for the guys but not for the women.
Most of us grew up with Disney films. Look at each blockbusting Disney animated film and the myth of the needy woman being rescued by the white knight is repeated over and over. The scariest depiction is in The Beauty and the Beast. A young boy watching this film will see that various forms of abusing women, both physically and emotionally is part of what a man does. This is repeated several times during the film. Even after the abuse the fair maiden suffers at the hands of the ‘beast’, it is still her duty to forgive and give him time to change his behavior and attitude towards her. The film essentially tells us that his behavior is mostly her fault to begin with. This is the exact wrong message to send to young boys or men in general. Any female victim of abuse will tell you that the abuse only gets worse, and that the abuser is in deep psychological trouble.
These are just a few examples I’ve been pondering, but the ramifications of messages sent to us via the media, especially as it concerns our traditional view of women are quite disturbing.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Federally funded ad campaign promotes marriage to an under 30 crowd
The U.S. government is launching a $5 million media campaign touting the healthy benefits of marriage. Ads will begin running on Facebook, Myspace and YouTube this month, targeting 18-to 30-year-old singles, claiming marriage leads to greater wealth, better health and more happiness. http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-02-17-marriage-campaign_N.htm
I find it ridiculous that in times of economic meltdown the government is spending $5 million to promote marriage to a young audience. I could think of a million place this money could be better spent! How about the government spends $5 million on sex education to help reduce the number of teen pregnancies?!?!
Marriage is a very personal issue and should only be considered when one is well into adult-hood, which for most is well into their twenties and even thirties in this day and age. We are sending the wrong message here! Plus, an ad on Myspace isn’t going to encourage someone to tie the knot.
I find it ridiculous that in times of economic meltdown the government is spending $5 million to promote marriage to a young audience. I could think of a million place this money could be better spent! How about the government spends $5 million on sex education to help reduce the number of teen pregnancies?!?!
Marriage is a very personal issue and should only be considered when one is well into adult-hood, which for most is well into their twenties and even thirties in this day and age. We are sending the wrong message here! Plus, an ad on Myspace isn’t going to encourage someone to tie the knot.
Monday, February 23, 2009
What advice would you give to a young 20-something that was considering marriage?
Advice from Interviews
Survey participants from http://www.30reasons.com/ were asked “What advice would you give to a young 20-something that was considering marriage?” To demonstrate we would like to share a few comments here.
Female, 39, CA
“I never wanted to get married before. My mother married late (29 - which was ancient in the 60's) and I never really thought I would marry young. I only had one other relationship that might've ended in marriage, my college boyfriend, and had it, I would be divorced today. Also I made some huge personal shifts around the ages of 27 and 28, after lots of soul searching and work to understand who I was and what was important to me. I definitely believe that our love was realized partially as a result of me really being true to myself. I don't think it would have happened the way it did had I not made those changes in my life.”
Female, 45, MA“People change in both subtle and dramatic ways--they want experiment and adventure--what you think you want @ 20 can be very different by the time you are 30--for instance, you think you don't want children, and you change your mind. Or you think you want children, you have them, then your partner decides the responsibility is too great. There are many, many variables that come up during your 20's and that decade is a great validator for the next decades of life.”
Male, 30, CA
“Only want to do it once and I have way too many friends who have tried to do it at a younger age and are already having marital problems. I believe people (men in particular) are really not ready to settle down until they hit their 30's. Especially now, there is so much more for men AND women to accomplish before getting married and having a family. What you want now is not what you will want when you are 30. You have not experienced enough life yet on your own to commit to that. You have to wake up to him/her for the rest of your life. His/her personal problems/issues now become YOUR problems. The world has gotten a lot smaller with travel these days, go see it.”
What advice would you give a young 20-something that was considering marriage?
Survey participants from http://www.30reasons.com/ were asked “What advice would you give to a young 20-something that was considering marriage?” To demonstrate we would like to share a few comments here.
Female, 39, CA
“I never wanted to get married before. My mother married late (29 - which was ancient in the 60's) and I never really thought I would marry young. I only had one other relationship that might've ended in marriage, my college boyfriend, and had it, I would be divorced today. Also I made some huge personal shifts around the ages of 27 and 28, after lots of soul searching and work to understand who I was and what was important to me. I definitely believe that our love was realized partially as a result of me really being true to myself. I don't think it would have happened the way it did had I not made those changes in my life.”
Female, 45, MA“People change in both subtle and dramatic ways--they want experiment and adventure--what you think you want @ 20 can be very different by the time you are 30--for instance, you think you don't want children, and you change your mind. Or you think you want children, you have them, then your partner decides the responsibility is too great. There are many, many variables that come up during your 20's and that decade is a great validator for the next decades of life.”
Male, 30, CA
“Only want to do it once and I have way too many friends who have tried to do it at a younger age and are already having marital problems. I believe people (men in particular) are really not ready to settle down until they hit their 30's. Especially now, there is so much more for men AND women to accomplish before getting married and having a family. What you want now is not what you will want when you are 30. You have not experienced enough life yet on your own to commit to that. You have to wake up to him/her for the rest of your life. His/her personal problems/issues now become YOUR problems. The world has gotten a lot smaller with travel these days, go see it.”
What advice would you give a young 20-something that was considering marriage?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
We Realize that Men Need Validation
I was absolutely fascinated when I ran across a blog by a guy arguing that all a man really wants, in life, is validation—primarily from his mother, girlfriends and eventually his life partner. The author goes on to claim that men are extremely vulnerable and that deep down they really just want to be unconditionally loved, just like a little boy.
He advises that women learn to listen objectively and to reflect feelings expressed by him without advising, criticizing or trying to change him. He suggests that women are the ones with the real power and that when you find a man that cherishes you and treats you well all you need to do is give him unconditional love and continued validation and you will have him in the palm of your hands for life. You’ve got to be kidding me—this is a man writing this?
Could it be that simple? Is it possible that men just want us to pat them on the head and rub their belly?
He advises that women learn to listen objectively and to reflect feelings expressed by him without advising, criticizing or trying to change him. He suggests that women are the ones with the real power and that when you find a man that cherishes you and treats you well all you need to do is give him unconditional love and continued validation and you will have him in the palm of your hands for life. You’ve got to be kidding me—this is a man writing this?
Could it be that simple? Is it possible that men just want us to pat them on the head and rub their belly?
15 Things You SHOULD Learn in Your 20's
The difference between complement and complete
That men are just looking for validation
Love will NOT conquer all
That it's important to preserve your identity
To not to be dependent on others for our happiness
That jealously is a waste of time
How to pick your battles
That the knight in shining armor does not exist
That relationships take work
That men will always be kids
To recognize patterns in people - alcoholism, drug abuse
The male brain doesn’t even fully develop until the mid-20s
The difference between passionate and enduring love
You must find a friend first and a lover second
That no relationship is a failure
That men are just looking for validation
Love will NOT conquer all
That it's important to preserve your identity
To not to be dependent on others for our happiness
That jealously is a waste of time
How to pick your battles
That the knight in shining armor does not exist
That relationships take work
That men will always be kids
To recognize patterns in people - alcoholism, drug abuse
The male brain doesn’t even fully develop until the mid-20s
The difference between passionate and enduring love
You must find a friend first and a lover second
That no relationship is a failure
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