I was sitting with two of my best girlfriends the other day, listening to their relationship perils, when one girlfriend said, “I think my problem is I don’t know what I want.” I immediately jumped in with my new age INTENTION speech, “Well you’ll never manifest what you want if you don’t have intention.” And again she repeated, “But I don’t know what kind of guy I’m looking for. I’m all over the map.” She proceeded, “Maybe I just need to date a ton of guys and figure it out”. I retorted, “Perhaps a better idea is to figure out who YOU REALLY ARE before approaching any more relationships”.
And then I thought about myself… I’m so great at dishing good advice but am challenged to heed it. I THINK I know who I am and what I want, to the point that I have my 1, 5, and 20 year goals, along with my Mr. Right list, but do I really? I went from a 10 year relationship to another long-term relationship with 4 whole weeks between!
In my defense I do believe I’ve finally grown into the person I’ve aspired to be and am secure in who I am and what I want. Thus I’m justified, right?
But aren’t we constantly changing? Well yes and no. Of course we evolve into, hopefully, more enlightened beings as we age, but does this change the fundamentals of what we’re looking for? Again, yes and no. I think it’s only now that I have a much better glimpse of what I really want out of a relationship, mate, and eventually (hopefully) a life partner. And it was only into my early 30’s that I really began to figure this out. Is this due to my age or the fact that I’ve had the luxury of marriage and divorce?
I call it a luxury because I got away relatively unscathed. And in the end, in hindsight, it was an incredible learning experience. I wouldn’t change it for the world, which is fortunate because even if I wanted to I can’t!
That’s the funny thing about life... we are constantly trying to control things WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER!
First off... you have REGRET --- I too fall prey to this ridiculous concept much more than I would like to admit. What is the point of regret? You can’t change what’s done. So why dwell on it? Why live in the past? The point is to learn and move on from the mistakes we made, right?
But let me take it one step further. We are the ones, perhaps based on societal standards, that LABEL things a MISTAKE.
What if there were no mistakes? What if there only actions. What if we followed the wisdom of Chopra and so many others and took a PAUSE between ACTION and REACTION. What if we didn’t pull our reaction from our behavioral paradigm? What if we didn’t label things as good and bad? What if we just watched or observed and let things pass without judgment? Seems almost impossible, but there has got to be a way!
Another amusing one is WORRY or STRESS. One of my favorite age old adages is, “Don’t worry about the things you DON’T control… because you don’t control them. And don’t worry about the things you DO control… because you control them.” Again, I recognize that a little stress moves us to action when in a situation of danger, but 99.9% of the stress or worry the average person feels on a daily basis is totally UNNESSARY!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thoughtful Conclusions About Commitment - From Daily Om
Daily Om is one of favorite publications - their thoughtful wisdom gives me perspective on 'everyday' life. My good friend Vanessa sent this to me the other day and thought it would be perfect to share with others...
Thoughtful Conclusions About Commitment: Deciding Whether To Marry
Though we may make many commitments throughout our time on earth, few have a lifelong impact on the path our lives will take. The decision to marry someone you love—to bond yourself to them completely—is unlike any other and can reshape your existence. When two people have similar goals, values, and needs, marriage can result in a lifetime partnership of love and respect, shared laughter and tears, friendship, and intimacy that is ultimately fulfilling. Love is often cited as the sole prerequisite of a strong and stable married life. However, the decision to get married should be made with the mind and the soul as well as with the heart. Carefully considering whether you truly want to get married, both individually and as a couple, can ensure that if you do choose to marry, your relationship can grow to unimaginable depths.
The decision-making process you employ to determine whether you should marry should be a thoughtful and honest one in which you appraise not only your partner but also yourself. Consider that love and attraction do not guarantee long-term compatibility. If your relationship is not secure, marriage will not make it so. Likewise, if your partner is not as attentive, loving, or kind as you would like, your becoming spouses will not change that. Marriage has no power to permanently fill any emotional or spiritual gaps in your life. Before you choose to marry, ask yourself whether you and your partner are adept at resolving conflict, can speak openly to one another, and fully respect one another. Your attitudes regarding the nature of marital commitment, children and child rearing, and marital roles may be the same or they may differ. It is your shared responsibility to discuss your similarities and come to agreements regarding your differences that will predict how successful yo!
ur future marriage will be. Often times, younger couples rush into marriage just for the wedding dress, the ring, the party, and honeymoon. Would you still be willing to be married if you couldn’t have these things?
Remember that planning a wedding is simple when compared to the intricacies of nurturing a marriage. The honeymoon and nesting period will eventually wear off, and what you are left with is a partner for life. When you work together with your partner, reassure and support one another, and are honest about your feelings regarding marriage, you’ll come to the right decision.
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2009/18644.html
Thoughtful Conclusions About Commitment: Deciding Whether To Marry
Though we may make many commitments throughout our time on earth, few have a lifelong impact on the path our lives will take. The decision to marry someone you love—to bond yourself to them completely—is unlike any other and can reshape your existence. When two people have similar goals, values, and needs, marriage can result in a lifetime partnership of love and respect, shared laughter and tears, friendship, and intimacy that is ultimately fulfilling. Love is often cited as the sole prerequisite of a strong and stable married life. However, the decision to get married should be made with the mind and the soul as well as with the heart. Carefully considering whether you truly want to get married, both individually and as a couple, can ensure that if you do choose to marry, your relationship can grow to unimaginable depths.
The decision-making process you employ to determine whether you should marry should be a thoughtful and honest one in which you appraise not only your partner but also yourself. Consider that love and attraction do not guarantee long-term compatibility. If your relationship is not secure, marriage will not make it so. Likewise, if your partner is not as attentive, loving, or kind as you would like, your becoming spouses will not change that. Marriage has no power to permanently fill any emotional or spiritual gaps in your life. Before you choose to marry, ask yourself whether you and your partner are adept at resolving conflict, can speak openly to one another, and fully respect one another. Your attitudes regarding the nature of marital commitment, children and child rearing, and marital roles may be the same or they may differ. It is your shared responsibility to discuss your similarities and come to agreements regarding your differences that will predict how successful yo!
ur future marriage will be. Often times, younger couples rush into marriage just for the wedding dress, the ring, the party, and honeymoon. Would you still be willing to be married if you couldn’t have these things?
Remember that planning a wedding is simple when compared to the intricacies of nurturing a marriage. The honeymoon and nesting period will eventually wear off, and what you are left with is a partner for life. When you work together with your partner, reassure and support one another, and are honest about your feelings regarding marriage, you’ll come to the right decision.
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2009/18644.html
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
When Will Women Truly Be Equal? By Chris Williams
It seems strange that the biblical story of Adam and Eve blames Eve for Adam’s fall from grace. I say that because, if I were God, I’d get rid of Adam and keep Eve. She had the courage, foresight, wisdom, and tenacity to pursue what most societies encourage all of their constituents to pursue: knowledge. Adam was just too stupid to question God’s commandment, which would relegate him to little more than a species above non-thinking animals; one with little to no knowledge, and the lack of a will to even gain knowledge. It’s this ridiculous story that somehow has infected the western world (and certain orthodox Mideastern religious sects) with a belief that women have value only in so far as how well they reproduce and at the same time please their mate. A man commits adultery and it’s just boys will be boys. A woman commits adultery, and she’s a slut.
It’s also interesting to note that in the BC era, up through the 19th century, women were often society’s healers. They were the ones who used herbs and plants in the treatment of various ailments. The irony here lies especially during the Plague years of Western Europe. Quite often it was the women healers (whom the Catholic Church branded as instruments of Satan) and midwives whom were the first the villagers turned upon and in many cases, even those who had used their services (usually secretly), branded as devil worshipers and witches. Many of these women were put to death. Again, irony... the very women who might be able to help the sick were now dead or banished, leaving no one with advanced medical experience to deal with a growing population of sick and dying people.
Referring back to the above story of Adam and Eve, one has to note how similar the Old Testament is to Greek mythology (and many others as well). Just as Zeus bound Prometheus to a rock for eternity for giving man fire (light), the Old Testament god punished Adam and Eve for pursuing knowledge. Why? Because in both myths, when humans gained more and more power (light, knowledge, wisdom) they became threats to the god(s) that made them. This whole concept seems to spill over into organized religion and government politics (not much difference between the two). The less knowledge each’s constituents have, the more easily they can be controlled and manipulated.
Women, I think, have always been the biggest potential problem for organized political bodies and have therefore been branded with the idea that they are emotionally and physically weak, horrible problem solvers in the political arena, and intellectually inferior to men. Even in the developed world… what % of Fortune 500 companies are headed by women? How many women bishops, cardinals, or popes? What % of women are leaders of their country? The answer to all of these questions is that women are almost insignificant in number and, in most cases, women are treated as an insignificant but necessary part of society (child bearing, husband pleasing, and family unity).
We would like to hear your thoughts on the topic. Why is it that women are, in many countries, second class citizens? Who is to blame?
It’s also interesting to note that in the BC era, up through the 19th century, women were often society’s healers. They were the ones who used herbs and plants in the treatment of various ailments. The irony here lies especially during the Plague years of Western Europe. Quite often it was the women healers (whom the Catholic Church branded as instruments of Satan) and midwives whom were the first the villagers turned upon and in many cases, even those who had used their services (usually secretly), branded as devil worshipers and witches. Many of these women were put to death. Again, irony... the very women who might be able to help the sick were now dead or banished, leaving no one with advanced medical experience to deal with a growing population of sick and dying people.
Referring back to the above story of Adam and Eve, one has to note how similar the Old Testament is to Greek mythology (and many others as well). Just as Zeus bound Prometheus to a rock for eternity for giving man fire (light), the Old Testament god punished Adam and Eve for pursuing knowledge. Why? Because in both myths, when humans gained more and more power (light, knowledge, wisdom) they became threats to the god(s) that made them. This whole concept seems to spill over into organized religion and government politics (not much difference between the two). The less knowledge each’s constituents have, the more easily they can be controlled and manipulated.
Women, I think, have always been the biggest potential problem for organized political bodies and have therefore been branded with the idea that they are emotionally and physically weak, horrible problem solvers in the political arena, and intellectually inferior to men. Even in the developed world… what % of Fortune 500 companies are headed by women? How many women bishops, cardinals, or popes? What % of women are leaders of their country? The answer to all of these questions is that women are almost insignificant in number and, in most cases, women are treated as an insignificant but necessary part of society (child bearing, husband pleasing, and family unity).
We would like to hear your thoughts on the topic. Why is it that women are, in many countries, second class citizens? Who is to blame?
Monday, April 13, 2009
Dating: Is there a Shortage of Eligible, Straight, Single Men? NO WAY!
On December 7, 2001 The Wall Street Journal published an interesting article on the shortage of women. The report showed a trend in men’s marrying age, waiting until their late thirties and early 40’s before making a life-long commitment. The underlying reason for this is probably that men have bought into the American family myth where the man is the head of the household only if he is the chief breadwinner. In other words, these men are trying to assert themselves professionally to a point where they feel financially independent with the means of supporting a family.
If one adds up the number of men in this age category (quite a few – their part of the baby boomer generation) and then adds up the relatively few generation X women who are usually between 4 and 10 years younger, 30 something women have at least 3 to 4 men to choose from apiece.
A 1986 national survey commissioned by Glamour magazine found a rising preference for the single life among women in their twenties and thirties: 90 percent of the never-married women said, "the reason they haven't married is that they haven't wanted to yet."
A review of fourteen years of U.S. National Survey data charted an 11 percent jump in happiness among 1980s-era single women in their twenties and thirties--and a 6.3 percent decline in happiness among married women of the same age.
The more women are paid, the less eager they are to marry. A 1982 study of three thousand singles found that women earning high incomes are almost twice as likely to want to remain unwed as women earning low incomes.
Final thoughts from Chris Williams
Another point (and I can verify this through my own experience) is that by the ages of 38 - 42 single men tend to find the dating game as monotonous, boring, and expensive with nothing to show for it. They begin to look past a woman’s hair, boobs, and butt to see a human being with wants, needs, and values similar to their own – a person with whom they can truly share life’s hidden surprises.
If one adds up the number of men in this age category (quite a few – their part of the baby boomer generation) and then adds up the relatively few generation X women who are usually between 4 and 10 years younger, 30 something women have at least 3 to 4 men to choose from apiece.
A 1986 national survey commissioned by Glamour magazine found a rising preference for the single life among women in their twenties and thirties: 90 percent of the never-married women said, "the reason they haven't married is that they haven't wanted to yet."
A review of fourteen years of U.S. National Survey data charted an 11 percent jump in happiness among 1980s-era single women in their twenties and thirties--and a 6.3 percent decline in happiness among married women of the same age.
The more women are paid, the less eager they are to marry. A 1982 study of three thousand singles found that women earning high incomes are almost twice as likely to want to remain unwed as women earning low incomes.
Final thoughts from Chris Williams
Another point (and I can verify this through my own experience) is that by the ages of 38 - 42 single men tend to find the dating game as monotonous, boring, and expensive with nothing to show for it. They begin to look past a woman’s hair, boobs, and butt to see a human being with wants, needs, and values similar to their own – a person with whom they can truly share life’s hidden surprises.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Why Are More Men Waiting to Marry? Answers from a Recent Rutgers Report
A recent article from ABC news summarizes a Rutgers University study analyzing why men are less eager to marry...
Excerpts from the article:
“Men don't need to get married to get what they want these days -mainly sex - so they feel comfortable in putting off that long term commitment until they have a few bucks in the bank, and a mortgage to pay off.”
Sure, I think this is part of it, but I think the sense of independence is a bigger driver for most men. Most boys don’t become “men” until well after their thirtieth birthday.
More from the Rutgers Report…
The researchers conducted eight meetings with 60 "not-yet-married" men in northern New Jersey, Chicago, Washington, D.C., and Houston. The men were ages 25 to 33, and none of them were gay. Is this a valid sample size???
Men are now waiting on average until the age of 27 to marry, compared to 25 for women, but that doesn't mean they are against marriage as an institution, according to the co-directors of the project, David Popenoe, a behavioral scientist and professor of sociology at Rutgers, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a marriage expert. Men, they conclude, just aren't in any hurry.
"The good news is that men who marry later may be more financially stable and emotionally mature," says Popenoe.
The participants indicated that they want a woman who is able to take care of herself, which is somewhat of a reversal from the macho old world attitudes of just a generation or two ago.
"Most of the men in these groups want to marry at some future time in their lives," the researchers conclude. "They expect their marriages to last a lifetime. Like the majority of young adults today, they are seeking a `soul mate'."
"Today's young men encounter few, if any, traditional pressures from religion, employers or society to marry," the researchers state, although they do get a bit of ribbing from parents who want grandchildren and colleagues who have already made that trip to the altar.
One area that concerns many men, according to the research, is the fear of failure. They see friends who are too willing to give up at the first sign of disharmony, and there's no question that marriage is not an easy institution to maintain.
The researchers believe marriage has a much better chance of surviving if both partners expect it to last a lifetime. Attitude at the opening gun seems to be very important.
But here's a line from the report that is worth pondering: "Men see marriage as a final step in a prolonged process of growing up." Not surprisingly, some of the guys who participated in the project are still living with their parents.
Excerpts from the article:
“Men don't need to get married to get what they want these days -mainly sex - so they feel comfortable in putting off that long term commitment until they have a few bucks in the bank, and a mortgage to pay off.”
Sure, I think this is part of it, but I think the sense of independence is a bigger driver for most men. Most boys don’t become “men” until well after their thirtieth birthday.
More from the Rutgers Report…
The researchers conducted eight meetings with 60 "not-yet-married" men in northern New Jersey, Chicago, Washington, D.C., and Houston. The men were ages 25 to 33, and none of them were gay. Is this a valid sample size???
Men are now waiting on average until the age of 27 to marry, compared to 25 for women, but that doesn't mean they are against marriage as an institution, according to the co-directors of the project, David Popenoe, a behavioral scientist and professor of sociology at Rutgers, and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a marriage expert. Men, they conclude, just aren't in any hurry.
"The good news is that men who marry later may be more financially stable and emotionally mature," says Popenoe.
The participants indicated that they want a woman who is able to take care of herself, which is somewhat of a reversal from the macho old world attitudes of just a generation or two ago.
"Most of the men in these groups want to marry at some future time in their lives," the researchers conclude. "They expect their marriages to last a lifetime. Like the majority of young adults today, they are seeking a `soul mate'."
"Today's young men encounter few, if any, traditional pressures from religion, employers or society to marry," the researchers state, although they do get a bit of ribbing from parents who want grandchildren and colleagues who have already made that trip to the altar.
One area that concerns many men, according to the research, is the fear of failure. They see friends who are too willing to give up at the first sign of disharmony, and there's no question that marriage is not an easy institution to maintain.
The researchers believe marriage has a much better chance of surviving if both partners expect it to last a lifetime. Attitude at the opening gun seems to be very important.
But here's a line from the report that is worth pondering: "Men see marriage as a final step in a prolonged process of growing up." Not surprisingly, some of the guys who participated in the project are still living with their parents.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Dr. Phil Show: Young Wives Club - Case in Point
Recently Dr. Phil aired a show (March 17th) called "The Young Wives Club". http://drphil.com/shows/show/1242/ "How young is too young to tie the knot? Dr. Phil meets three couples in their early 20s who have relationships rocked by betrayals, domestic violence and infidelity." While I didn't see the show (I HATE TELEVISION) I found the link in an online search.
Although there are many great examples of young loving relationships, there are too many examples of immature, selfish relationships. Why would these young people marry when they clearly are not ready... and even worse... why would they bring children into the world!?!?
I found a comment on the show's message board very interesting
Replied By: justmytwocents on Mar 19, 2009, 12:52AM
"I just read the show and my heart is broken for these young men and women. So much has gone wrong and I am glad they are seeking help, that is the first step, so I say smart move on their parts. Being that young and being in a relationship is difficult because for one you have not formed your own identity yet, it is wrapped up all into another person. What I mean to say is that you did not have a chance to figure out who you were before you committed your heart and your life to another person, so you came to the relationship not quite whole emotionally. And it isn't that you did anything wrong, its just that when you are older (say over 30) which really isn't all that old, but my point is to say that when you are older you realize that when you were in your teens and late 20's that you really weren't all that mature. It's just something that we all realize about ourselves, so don't think I am picking on any of you."
BRILLIANT!
Although there are many great examples of young loving relationships, there are too many examples of immature, selfish relationships. Why would these young people marry when they clearly are not ready... and even worse... why would they bring children into the world!?!?
I found a comment on the show's message board very interesting
Replied By: justmytwocents on Mar 19, 2009, 12:52AM
"I just read the show and my heart is broken for these young men and women. So much has gone wrong and I am glad they are seeking help, that is the first step, so I say smart move on their parts. Being that young and being in a relationship is difficult because for one you have not formed your own identity yet, it is wrapped up all into another person. What I mean to say is that you did not have a chance to figure out who you were before you committed your heart and your life to another person, so you came to the relationship not quite whole emotionally. And it isn't that you did anything wrong, its just that when you are older (say over 30) which really isn't all that old, but my point is to say that when you are older you realize that when you were in your teens and late 20's that you really weren't all that mature. It's just something that we all realize about ourselves, so don't think I am picking on any of you."
BRILLIANT!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
U @ 50
This video that was submitted by a 20-year-old in an AARP contest. (Wow! I didn't know the AARP was so cutting edge!) The contest was titled "U @ 50", which invited young people to project their future. This video won second place and has so far received almost 4.5 million hits. So simple and yet so brilliant! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The #1 Predictor of Divorce
According to http://www.smartmarriages.com/ the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. What's sad is the reason that we avoid conflict is because we believe it (conflict) causes divorce. It's like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor,"We never talk anymore. We figured out that's when we do all our fighting."
In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.
When I was married (in my twenties) I dreaded fights with my husband. A simple disagreement would escilate to a yelling match - he would continue to badger me for hours until I'd cave. I would do anything to end the discussion - typically admitting I was wrong and he was right. After a few bad blow-ups I became determined to avoid conflict at any cost.
Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it's true that we don't get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn'tknow how – or learn how – to fight or disagree successfully, they won't be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking. Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions.
In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change. When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don't promise to stay the same! That would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorcepredictor.html
In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.
When I was married (in my twenties) I dreaded fights with my husband. A simple disagreement would escilate to a yelling match - he would continue to badger me for hours until I'd cave. I would do anything to end the discussion - typically admitting I was wrong and he was right. After a few bad blow-ups I became determined to avoid conflict at any cost.
Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it's true that we don't get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn'tknow how – or learn how – to fight or disagree successfully, they won't be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking. Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to at least develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions.
In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change. When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don't promise to stay the same! That would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorcepredictor.html
The Disney Effect (Media's Portrayal of Women) - by Chris Williams
There’s very few sit-coms I watch on TV, but one I do enjoy is Two and a Half Men. It has some great one-liners, the young boy is hilarious, and fantasizing being Charlie is definitely a part of the program’s draw. I got to thinking about the overt connotations made in the program toward men, women, and sexuality. The program feeds directly into the myth that most women are fairly stupid, easy lays looking in the wrong places for meaningful relationships while the protagonist, Charlie, is a borderline alcoholic who defines a relationship by the number of times he gets the same woman in bed and not by its length in months or years but days.
Charlie’s brother becomes a sympathetic character whose ex-wife is depicted as an unfeeling woman who has destroyed his masculinity, self image, and financial stability. The thing that struck me was the division of characters and the depiction of each. Charlie’s numerous sexual encounters (sometimes more than one in a day with different women) are not exactly condoned, but since boys will be boys, he’s not held to any moral standard.
Now if you reversed the situation and used a woman in Charlie’s place, this type of behavior would be condemned, labeling the woman with many of society’s terms for a woman with this type of sexual appetite and lack of interest in long term commitment: slut, whore, nymphomaniac etc. Ironically, the only really strong, independent, self confident woman in the program is Charlie’s mother who is depicted as an egotistical opportunist who failed miserably as a mother, and wife. In other words, it’s OK for the guys but not for the women.
Most of us grew up with Disney films. Look at each blockbusting Disney animated film and the myth of the needy woman being rescued by the white knight is repeated over and over. The scariest depiction is in The Beauty and the Beast. A young boy watching this film will see that various forms of abusing women, both physically and emotionally is part of what a man does. This is repeated several times during the film. Even after the abuse the fair maiden suffers at the hands of the ‘beast’, it is still her duty to forgive and give him time to change his behavior and attitude towards her. The film essentially tells us that his behavior is mostly her fault to begin with. This is the exact wrong message to send to young boys or men in general. Any female victim of abuse will tell you that the abuse only gets worse, and that the abuser is in deep psychological trouble.
These are just a few examples I’ve been pondering, but the ramifications of messages sent to us via the media, especially as it concerns our traditional view of women are quite disturbing.
Charlie’s brother becomes a sympathetic character whose ex-wife is depicted as an unfeeling woman who has destroyed his masculinity, self image, and financial stability. The thing that struck me was the division of characters and the depiction of each. Charlie’s numerous sexual encounters (sometimes more than one in a day with different women) are not exactly condoned, but since boys will be boys, he’s not held to any moral standard.
Now if you reversed the situation and used a woman in Charlie’s place, this type of behavior would be condemned, labeling the woman with many of society’s terms for a woman with this type of sexual appetite and lack of interest in long term commitment: slut, whore, nymphomaniac etc. Ironically, the only really strong, independent, self confident woman in the program is Charlie’s mother who is depicted as an egotistical opportunist who failed miserably as a mother, and wife. In other words, it’s OK for the guys but not for the women.
Most of us grew up with Disney films. Look at each blockbusting Disney animated film and the myth of the needy woman being rescued by the white knight is repeated over and over. The scariest depiction is in The Beauty and the Beast. A young boy watching this film will see that various forms of abusing women, both physically and emotionally is part of what a man does. This is repeated several times during the film. Even after the abuse the fair maiden suffers at the hands of the ‘beast’, it is still her duty to forgive and give him time to change his behavior and attitude towards her. The film essentially tells us that his behavior is mostly her fault to begin with. This is the exact wrong message to send to young boys or men in general. Any female victim of abuse will tell you that the abuse only gets worse, and that the abuser is in deep psychological trouble.
These are just a few examples I’ve been pondering, but the ramifications of messages sent to us via the media, especially as it concerns our traditional view of women are quite disturbing.
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